Ban 'naked body' scanners.

My campaign to ban the introduction of these new airport 'naked body' scanners continues apace. I've sent letters to all the 'top-dogs' in the British aviation industry including Branson, Geoff Hoon and the Scottish chap outlining my objections on the grounds that if these pervert airport security staff want to sit around all day leering at pornographic images of fat holidaymakers then they should do it at home, on their own time, like the rest of us. These scanners are nothing but goverment-sanctioned wank -tanks. I would much rather board a plane with an Islamic extremist who I knew to be carrying a bomb than suffer this gross indignity and there are plenty of people who feel the same.

Since I began this campaign, I have received literally thousands of letters of support from sensible members of the public who quite agree that bouncing electromagnetic waves across their genitalia, and creating bizarre three-dimensional images of themselves squatting like an athritic priest, is something which should be confined to the bedroom or, at the very least, dense roadside shrubbery. Chakrabati has also been on the phone 24-7 (I'm ignoring her calls at the moment until she whips herself into enough of a frenzy to smash her way through the Velux and remove my trousers)

My warning to those who seek to impose these so called 'security measures' is simple. This sort of thing may be all very well on the continent, where exposing yourself in public is as much a way of life as shouting incoherently on buses and overcharging the Welsh, but not here. Not in a civilised country. And not in Britain either.